Coma
by Thornpaw of Clawclan
Summary: Ever since Phils parents died at the age of five he has lived with Dan. But when Dan falls ill, fourteen year old Phil is alone. He has never had to face the world alone before. Can he loose another precious person, or will he be able to save his brother, his friend.
1. Chapter 1- Just a cough

Dan coughed again, looking like he was putting his whole body into it. Phil rubbed his back as he retched and spluttered. Dan shivered, licking his lips and leaning into Phil. Then he pulled himself away.

"Don't come too close Phil, I'd kill myself If I gave this to you" he rasped. Phil shook his head. "There's no way I'm leaving you" he said firmly. Dan retched again and this time Phil could see tears in his eyes.

Mrs Howell came through the door and into their room, sighing at the two boys. She sat down next to Dan, stroking his hair. Dan pulled away weakly. She shook her head.

"Dan you need to go to the doctors at least" she said. Dan winced. "I'm fine…" he replied, before running to the bathroom. The horrible noise filled the house.

"Dan's really sick" said Phil gloomily. Mrs Howell nodded. "I'm taking him, you stay at home, do your homework" she said. "What?! But…but I want to go with Dan" he exclaimed. "He won't go if I don't make him"

"Fine" she agreed, sounding deflated. Dan coughed again. "Go to him will you" she said. Phil jumped up, swerving into the bathroom. Dan was lying on the ground. His back arched. His eyes were shut and there were dark rims under them. His hair stretched out in every angle. He was breathing shallowly.

"Dan!" cried Phil, alarmed. He kneeled down next to him, putting his hand on his shoulder. "Dan…Dan wake up!"

Mrs Howell crashed inside. "Dan? Dan?! Get up, Dan?" she yelled. Dan didn't move. "Ok, we're taking him to Hospital right now!" she announced, lifting him into the car. Phil followed.

"Phil, you stay at home" she ordered.

"No!" said Phil.

"This isn't the time to argue!"

"I'm not leaving him!" Phil snapped.

"Fine, get in!" she said. They drove off. "Dan?" Phil whispered, nestling into him. Dan didn't move. "Dan, come on please" Dan's eye's didn't open. They go there in a flash. They were seen instantly. Dan was wheeled off. Phil tried to come with him but they pushed him away.

He sat down next to Dan's mum in frustration.

"Why do I always get pushed around!" he hissed in annoyance. He hid his face in his hands so she wouldn't see he tears of frustration and worry. "Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan" he repeated, whispering into his hands.

It was a game he did when before his parents died and he lived with Dan. If he just said their name a thousand times they'd be fine. He got to seven hundred and then was interrupted by a nurse in white. He face was grave.

"Mrs Howell?" she asked.

"Yes"

"I'm afraid there is some bad news…you can see your son" Phil's head shot up. All the panic bells started ringing in his head. Bad news? What if Dan was dead, like his parents, who would he have left?

"Are you family?" the nurse asked him as she lead them down identical corridors. "He's my brother" he replied numbly. All he could think of was Dan, his brother, his friend.

"I'm fourteen" Phil hissed sourly. The woman ignored him and opened the doors. Phil could see him. Dan. He was lying in a bed, tubes all around him, a mask over his mouth. His eyes were shut.

Finally they stopped at a room. The nurse turned to Mrs Howell. "Err…This may be a little disturbing for your son" she said gingerly. Phil sighed in frustration. "Why did everyone think he was much younger than he was?" 


	2. Chapter 2- Dan!

"Dan!? Dan" Phil ran to him, not bothering to hide the tears this time. "What wrong with him" he whipped round to face the nurse. She backed away in alarm. Another nurse came to kneel beside Phil.

"He's in a coma…it means he…he might not…"

Phil couldn't bear to hear the next bit. "I know what a fucking coma is" he yelled. "Phil!" cried Kate, appalled. Phil stroked Dan's hair and wept into his side.

"Maybe this is upsetting your son too much, this isn't really a place for young children" the first nurse suggested quietly. _Young child!_

Phil ignored her, just kept weeping into Dan. Kate was crying also, just silently whilst Phil sobbed. The nurses dithered a little. "Of cores it's upsetting him; he has every right to see his brother"

"I'll just be a moment" said a nurse and they both hurried out. Phil carried on crying noisily. Kate came up to him. "He can hear you" she said to him.

"What?" Phil emerged, his voice muffled and his eyes red. "He can hear you love" she repeated. "Talk to him"

"Dan….can you hear me" Phil sniffed. "Please open your eyes, please don't die" he whispered into Dan's ear.

Kate went out the door. "I'll give you some privacy" she said softly.

"Dan, you can hear me right?" he croaked, wiping his wet eyes with the back of his hands. "I love you so much Dan, this is all my fault, I should have _made _you go the doctors, why didn't I make you Dan" he burst into fresh tears. _God look at me crying like a baby!_

He couldn't stop though. He just cried and cried, all the while hanging onto Dan.

_I could hear Phil. I felt terrible. It wasn't the coma. I wasn't scared of dying. I was scared to leave Phil. Leave Phil alone. Phil needed me, and I needed Phil. Don't blame yourself Phil. I urged him. I knew Phil felt embarrassed when he cried. That's ok, it was just them. Its ok to cry Phil, cry all you like, its ok. _

_I felt Phils warm body press against mine, his long hair tickling me face. I was reminded of how much he felt like a fluffy little kitten. I wish I could just move my arms to cuddle him close. But its useless. I've tried so hard to move, to open my eyes. _

Phil stopped crying, breathing heavily. "Wake up Dan" he whispered. Before he knew it it was 3am. He looked up at the clock. He hadn't left Dan's side all night. Why hadn't the nurses kicked him out?

The kinder nurse came in. "Are you asleep?" she asked Phil tentatively. Phil sniffed. "No"

"We need to operate, this might be inappropriate for you" she said softly but firmly. "No, I'll stay" he said.

"I'm afraid you must leave, you can come back tomorrow" she gently helped him up. Phil looked back at Dan, and reluctantly padded outside. It was pitch black. Kate drove them back home.

Phil sat down on the living room floor, leaning against the sofa and folding his spine. "Honey its not good to sit like that" she sighed. Phil ignored her and pressed his face into his folded arms.

"Ok, well…goodnight" she said awkwardly and went upstairs. Phil stayed where he was for a while, he couldn't be bothered to find out how long. Then he sloped up to his and Dan room.

He went over to Dans bed. It was wooden, an exact copy of his. He had a lama bed cover. Next to the bed there was his chest of drawers.

On top of that there was a little china dinosaur, which everyone was surprised he hadn't broken, and his dream diary, which Phil had occasionally looked at. He thought Dan knew but he didn't seem to mind.

By his bed was a beautiful carved wooden box which contained random little things he found. Phil stroked the bed cover, breathing in Dans warm scent. His hand hit something hard. He pulled the cover over and saw a photo graph. He drew in breath.

It was Dan and him when they were around seven. They were on a tremendously fast moving train. Dan was looking out the window with a look of awe and excitement, his arm around Phil who was nervously sneaking glances whilst cuddled up to Dan.

He remembered that. Being the little scaredy kitten (An affectionate nickname that Dan made up) that he was he had been a bit scared, and as usual, Dan had comforted him.

He and Dan were closer than brothers, stronger than blood. They had very rarely been apart. In fact, Phil had only ever been separated from Dan when his parents were alive, but even then they spent ninety per- cent of their time together. It looked like they'd be apart for a while now.

Phil opened one of Dans draws. There were some of his earrings. Red, black, green and white. His ears were pierced at the bottom so most of the boys at school accused him of being gay, well, more often than usual anyway.

He shivered when he thought of school. He had Pheobe, who often tagged along with them, sometimes flirting with Dan. But she mainly liked Dan as her friend. Phil and her didn't talk that much, he was too shy and awkward. But he could always talk to Dan.

But it wasn't trailing around with nobody that worried him, well not mainly. Phil was bullied, a lot. Mostly gangs of older boys. It was because he was shy and only ever talked to Dan. He was a walking target and he knew it.

He knew that at age fourteen he should be able to stick up for himself, but he was so used to being always next to Dan. Dan always defended him. Suddenly a wave of tiredness washed over him.

He stumbled over to his bed. It suddenly seemed blue and bland. He had his secret lion plushies that only Dan knew about, though he knew Dan still took a teddy to bed with him. He had his buffy poster that looked down at him pityingly, all his books under his bed and not on the bookshelf because he couldn't be bothered to put them back. He had his sketch book.

He liked to draw cats, he liked to draw lions and he liked to draw Dan and him. Not realistically. Stylized drawings, cartoons. He thought of sleeping. He lay on his bed uncomfortably. His feet were freezing and his legs ached.

Sighing he flopped himself down on Dan's bed, which felt warmer somehow, safer. He slept there half the time anyway. When he had nightmares he'd climb in beside Dan. Dan never teased him or called him a baby for being childish.

Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan Dan. He felt like a stuck record. He glanced at the clock on the wall. It read six am. He hoped there would be no school tomorrow. Then he drifted off into a shallow sleep.


	3. Chapter 3-You slept in Dan's bed?

"_Dan help!"_ he screamed, jumping back into consciousness. He started breathing heavily. "It's ok Phil just a dream just a dream Phil" he told himself, panting with fear.

He then remembered. He cried a little because he felt so lonely without Dan's body pressed against his. He could always go to Dan and tell him everything and Dan would make him feel better.

Dan said a dream diary would help him open up and feel better but Phil rarely wanted to relive the awful nightmares that he had. He hands clasped round the photo of the two together and his breathing relaxed slightly. He buried his face in Dan's pillow trying to block out the dream.

It had been set at school. The bullies had found Phil, and Dan wasn't there. They had chased him, Phil remembered running and running. Until they cornered him. He had been terrified when the worst one Casper who was sixteen took out a knife and walked towards him, the knife menacingly glinting in the sunlight.

Then they all took out knives. Tasha and Sara and Pete. Phil had edge towards the wall but they came closer and then the knife was thrown straight at Phil's chest….

He shuddered, rubbing his forehead as if trying to squeeze the worries about school from his head. Kate (Dans mum) ran into the room almost slipping.

"Phil! What's wrong I heard you scream" she asked, looking shaken. Phil emerged from Dan's pillow, pushing the photo under the cover, not wanting her to see he'd been sleeping with it. She already treated him like a baby as it was.

"Bad dream" he mumbled, sounding pathetic. She sighed and sat down next to him. "You slept in Dan's bed" she said, stating the obvious.

He nodded. "It's nicer than over there" he gestured to his side of the room like it was some kind of hell. She put her hand on his shoulder.

"I'd really prefer it if you didn't honey" she said gently. "You might catch the cough" Phil sat up. He fiddled with his hair. Should he keep it long and natural, scrape it back at the front, brush into a sideways fringe. Dan always knew.

"I need to wash it" she said. Phil burrowed back under the covers into the warmth. "Ok, well, feel free to breakfast if you feel ready" she whispered and walked out.

He lay there for a few minutes; his dream seemed to be burning into his mind. He rolled out of Dan's bed and went to his photo of the two of them. This was more recent, a few months ago. They were at the zoo and Phil was gazing in intently on the lions looking hypnotised whilst Dan was laughing.

He wanted to stay and moulder in their room all day, but he suddenly realised he was starving. He automatically glanced at the clock. Twelve am. Six hours sleep. He begrudgingly got up and plodded downstairs. He realised he had been sleeping in his clothes. He'd change them in a minute, possibly.

He reached for the top shelf of the cupboard, fumbling round until his hand closed on a cereal packet. He opened the door of the fridge. No milk? Fine.

He scooped the dry cereal out and ate it that way. If anything he preferred it without milk. He'd usually do this until Dan told him to stop wasting his cornflakes.

When Kate walked in on him. He expected her to sigh in exasperation and tell him to stop. But she just shook her head at him and went into the living room to read. He wondered what she was reading.

He shoved the packet back in the cupboard and then came to sit next to her, reading over her shoulder. She was reading about comas. He didn't want to find out.

Phil didn't really want to do anything, there wasn't really anything to do without Dan. But now he was up he felt like he needed to be doing something.

He went into the hallway and opened his rucksack. Aimlessly he flipped through the pages of his planner. He didn't look at the ticks and good marks.

Everyone else called him a nerd for getting good grades. Dan's grades were rubbish, even though he was more intelligent than Phil. He noticed he had homework.

_Record any type of tree or plant in your local area-_

"Little kid homework!" he muttered under his breath. But he didn't really mean it. The science homework wasn't so bad, he could have been stuck doing maths. He'd go and find the tree's. _A bit like a mad squirrel _ he thought.

"Mum I'm going out" he called. She didn't reply. He wasn't going to repeat himself. He slammed the door and walked out, heading towards the normal rought to the hills nearby.

Him and Dan would often go there after school for ten minutes, or longer if Phil had had a bad day. It was nice and relaxing. There were a few patches of woodland.

He climbed up the hill to the top and sat down in the long grass, looking out over the horizon. It stared right back, pale and blue and endless. The cold sun shone brightly above, making the wet clover leaves shine gold. He could hear the birds singing.

Dan sweared he could tell the difference between the familiar sparrows that clustered together on the tree branches. He imagined a ghost like Dan sitting beside him. He knew what Dan would say.

_"__Hey look there's Stripe, he's the leader"_

_"__Which one" Phil would reply sarcastically._

_"__The..…the one on the branch right!"_

"Dan" Phil would giggle, gesturing to the birds to show that they were all on the tree branches. He looked at them for a while, wondering if they really were any different.

He knew Dan had just been falling around but maybe if he stared long enough he'd be able to tell the differences between them. It was hard though because they kept moving and grooming each other and jumping and flapping their little feathered wings.

He gave up and just watched them. He felt wetness on his cheek. He realised tears had formed. He gently wiped them off with his sleeve but it didn't really work because more kept forming.

A small sparrow fluttered round his head, landing next to him, eyeing him with its beady black eyes. It had a tiny head in proportion to its body and large claws on its dark and brown white frame.

"Can I talk to you?" he whispered to it. It hopped nearer to him, twisting its neck round to groom its wing. "Ok"

The sparrow flew off to join the rest, but still stared at him inquisitively.

"I want Dan" Phil whispered to nobody in particular. "I want Dan, I want Dan" his voice rose shrill and high until he had to put his hand over his mouth to stop him.

"Hey kid"

Phil jumped round in surprise. Oh god, it was someone in his class. He backed away, his body tensed, ready to spring away. He rigidly took a few steps slowly back.

"Hey its ok…wait" she called as Phil legged it into the wooded area, panting heavily. He brushed a tear from his face and wildly looked around. The girl found him. Phil jumped, scrambling away, he realised she was blocking the entrance. She came closer. Gasping he backed into a tree.

"Hey hey hey! It's all right I'm not gonna hurt ya" she said quickly, seeing the terror on Phils face.

Phil swallowed. "What do you want" he asked her cautiously. She slowly paced towards him. "I just want to talk, its ok I'm not going to hurt ya all right"

Phil backed away. "Who are you anyway?"

"Elen, one of Phoebe's friends" she said. It looked like she was telling the truth but she might be running with Casper. Phil let her come closer to him. He shivered.

"Why are you so scared?" she asked him curiously. Phil glared at her. "It's none of your business" he snapped.

Elen blinked. She had big green eyes and a pretty heart shaped face with dark locks that fell over her eyes. She wore glasses but they seemed to just fit in with her face. They never had for Phil until he got contact lenses.

"I've seen ya before right" she said, looking like she was concentrating, obviously not offended by Phil's standoffishness. "You're that little kid that tags along with the brunet"

Phil flinched. "I'm your age actually" he muttered sourly. "I was just scared that you were….nevermind…whatever" he trailed off. He didn't want to let her know he was bullied, though she probably already did.

She giggled, her teeth flashing. "No offence, but ya do look like a little child"

Phil glowered at her. "Just leave me alone all right"

She didn't scowl back, she just smiled at him. "Look, can't I just ask ya what's wrong?"

"No" he said.

"Whhhyyyy?" she asked, tilting her head. He did that too when he was puzzled. "Because you'll tell everyone at school and they'll make fun of me even more than they already do" he said through gritted teeth.

Elen shook her head. "I swear I won't" she said, and she did as well, sticking her finger up at him. He supposed it was meant to be funny, but he didn't laugh.

"Bullshit" he muttered.

She giggled. "Naughty shouldn't swear"

"I'm not a little kid!" he shouted furiously.

"Ok ok ok" she said calmly. "Just tell me what's wrong and I'll go"

Phil gave in. "Fine" he murmured, sitting down. She gave him a happy smile and plopped herself down next to him, looking at him expectantly.

"So, why were you crying" she began. Phil rested his head on his knees and didn't meet her gaze. She looked at him expectantly.

"A friends ill" he replied reluctantly. Elen breathed out and hitched her glasses up. "No offence…err was ya name?"

"Phil.."

"No offence Phil but you kind of don't really have any friends" she said mildly, but tactfully. Phil shrugged. It was true.

"It's Dan" he said suddenly. There was a silence. Elen leaned towards him. Phil shyed away. She put her hand on his shoulder, and he twitched at her touch.

"That's really sad" she said, sounding mournful all of a sudden. "Phoebe's got a huge crush on him…." She said wearily. Phil gave her a withering look, even though he was on the verge of fresh tears.

"Also maybe because he's my brother!" he said, his voice high pitched. She chewed her lip thoughtfully. "No….didn't Phoebe say that Dan's mum adopted you" she looked up into the branches of the trees, the roots, the bark, the draping moss.

"Does Phoebe have nothing better to do than gossip about Dan" Phil hissed irritably. Then he burst into tears.

Elen didn't run away in horror, just awkwardly patted him on the head. Phil hid his face away from her. She sighed. "Phil….I'll just go…sorry I bothered you" she said meekly. Obviously Elen didn't know how to handle a situation like that.

He wasn't sure if he wanted her to go or not. But he let her. When she was out of earshot he whispered into the wind.

Can you guess what he said?


	4. Chapter 4- Alchahol is never the answer

Phil wondered down the street aimlessly. He didn't know where to go, what to do. It was getting dark and the low sun cast long shadows over the pavement.

A shop suddenly caught his eye. He'd never seen it before. It wasn't a shop, it was a pub. Where was he? He looked around trying to grasp where he was. He had just walked on and got lost. He might on the other side of town perhaps?

He wasn't sure what to do. He looked back at the pub. There was nobody at the door. Everyone was inside, dancing and drinking and socializing. Nobody his age. They all looked eighteen or older.

Phil suddenly realised how young and helpless he looked compared to everyone in there. It wasn't like he could go in. They'd mistake him for a ten year old, he thought bitterly. But what else could he do. He stood there dithering for a while.

He looked back. There was a purple and green light that glowed from inside. He saw what they were drinking. He'd never tasted alchahol before. He wondered what it was like.

He knew a handful of kids from his year had drank plenty. He could just…take some. Just to see what it was like, and then leg it.

He shuffled his feet, thinking. Nobody in his year would be afraid to, Dan wouldn't. He felt a pang in his heart. He knew deep down Dan would never. Nobody would.

But his thoughts were clouded and blurred. He was lost, upset and lonely. He made his choice. He dashed in, grabbed a bottle and ran out. He felt as if his feet were on fire.

Lots of people started shouting and drunkly pointing. A lot of people hadn't noticed him. Some men chased after him. What would they do to him if they catched him. He spurred on blindly. He was sure they could hear his heart pounding in his chest as his feet thundered against the ground.

The men were slowing. Phil saw a patch of tree's. He dived in, lying flat on his stomach, holding his breath. His eyes were wide with fear. The two men looked round, then one convinced the other to give it up and they left.

Phil breathed out, tears streaming down his face. He felt too worked up. Too scared. He didn't bother to wipe the tears from his face.

The darkness closed in on him. He started shaking, forgetting that he was still at bit scared of the dark. But Dan would be there, Dan would always be there.

His fingers ran down the bottle, feeling the cool glass against his hot skin. He didn't know what kind it was. It was just a clear transparent bottle. He tried to open it but the top didn't move.

He pulled it off with his teeth and rubbed his mouth. Was he going to try it, late at night in a bush all alone? He poured some into his cupped hand and lapped at it like a dog.

He instantly spat it right out, gagging slightly.

"Yuck…." He whispered in disgust. It tasted awful. He rubbed his head and sighed. Why didn't he like it? Everyone else seemed to.

"Just grow up already Phil!" he whispered in frustration. Dan would never say that. More tears dripped down his cheeks. _Enough tears now Phil _

Was that Dan's sweet voice he heard. He stayed still hopefully but he couldn't hear it again. He decided it was right. He wiped his tears away and sniffed.

A sudden wave of consciousness washed over him. He sat up straight. He was suddenly filled with panic. He was lost and it was night. Kate would be looking for him. He had to get out of here, but maybe the scary men from the pub were waiting to catch him?

He left the bottle in the bushes and cautiously crept out. Nobody was there, it was completely empty. He could hardly see at all, he felt disorientated and dizzy, so it surprised him when a yowl broke the silence.

Panicked he whipped his head around to see a small black and white cat in a driveway. Its green eyes glowed in the dark. It hissed at him. Phil crept towards it. It rubbed against his legs to his surprise and purred.

Phil opened his mouth. He felt calmed. "Hey little kitten" he said to it softly. Normally he was a bit allergic to cats, but one or two was fine. He looked around, a little uncomfortable he was so close to the house.

"Are you scared of the dark?" he asked it. It twitched its ears and licked its paw, running it over its face. It let out another long deep purr, sounding like an engine.

"Ok…..right, I shouldn't be scared, Dan wouldn't be" he whispered, trying to sound bold. He marched off in the direction he thought he had come from.

But he _was _scared. It was so different than it was in the day. Everything seemed to stretch and slither around. The tree's seemed to grow into long crooked claws trying to grab at him. He just wanted to curl into a ball and close his eyes.

He couldn't go on. He was exhausted. He curled up in a patch of grass. He'd just lie here for a little while…

He fell asleep instantly. It was pitch black when he was awoken by a scream.

"Harry come quick there's a vagrant by the door!" a woman squealed. Phil suddenly looked around, then he realised she was talking about him. He jumped up and fled, wildly running into the darkness.

The man came and suddenly realised he was young and chased after him.

"Hey little boy wait!" he yelled. Phil ran and ran and ran until he collapsed, wheezing. He looked back, and they weren't running after him.

Now Phil was scared. Why didn't he stay with Elen?! He cursed himself. What could he do now? He lay on the ground very still.

He'd just to wait till morning, and then he could ask someone where he was. Morning seemed a long long way off. Could he sleep again? He felt exposed so he crouched behind a tree. He lay down, but sleep wouldn't come. He just felt terrified.

What he would give to be back in his own house right now, sleeping beside Dan. He must have slept at some point because it was dawn when he woke up.

He got up, freezing and stiff. Shuddering he wandered off. He saw a mother with her three daughters and there dog. He looked at the dog warily, he wasn't much of a dog lover. He decided they were safe.

He walked up to them.

"Excuse me miss" he said meekly. _Miss_?! Why was he so awkward? She looked at him in surprise, shielding her children.

"You look funny" one said.

Phil swallowed. "I wondered if you could tell me where I am?" he stammered. The woman looked at him.

"Are you lost?"

Phil nodded.

"This early in the morning, where are you trying to get?" she asked him, raising her eyebrows. Phil shuffled his feet.

"Rounchill lane" he said, which was where they lived. "Uh.. it think it's round here"

"Oh yes, that's where we've just come, just keep going straight on until you need to cross, then you keep going left and your there, do you want me to walk you there or give you a life, it's not trouble at all"

"Oh err no thanks…thank you" he nodded at them and went straight on, blushing like an idiot. As he walked on things began to seem a little more familiar. He began to feel more worried. Kate might have been really worried.

He felt guilty and began to run, but he never had much stamina and he was stiff from sleeping outside so he quickly slowed down. He came to the street.

It was now mid-day. There was a bunch of older girls and boys in a cluster talking together. He crossed onto the other side of the road so have not to awkwardly get past them.

He knocked on the door, feeling stupid. The door was flung open imidatly. Kate stood there. She breathed an immense sigh of relief, tears dripping down her face and drew him in for a hug.

Phil gasped. She had been worried about him. He felt a massive pang of guilt.

"Phil! Oh my god you're Ok" she cried, tears streaming down her face. Phil struggled but eventually gave in and let her hug him.

She brought him inside. Her look was replaced by anger. Phil swallowed, licking his lips nervously.

"Philip Michele Lester!" she began. Phil winced at his full name. Here it comes.

"Do you have any idea how much pain you put me through, I had the _police _looking for you, I _ran_ all over _town _looking for you, I now need to go _call_ the police to tell them you're ok, how can you do this to me in this situation, I was scared I had lost you to!" she shouted.

Phil looked down at his shoes.

"Sorry, I got lost, I'm sorry mum" he muttered. He tried to slope of but she caught hold of him.

"Oh no young man you are going to apologize to the police!"

Phil backed away in horror. "What!?"

There was no way he could do that. He was too awkward and stupid, he'd end up saying something wrong and arresting them all.

"No way" he shrieked and ran upstairs into his room. She didn't come after him. He didn't cry, he'd cried too much. He needed Dan. He needed Dan to tell him it was ok. He needed Dan to stick up for him.

He knew that right now he didn't really want Kate, or his real mum, he just wanted Dan. He thought of Dan in hospital lying motionless on his white bed. Did Dan want him to?


	5. Chapter 5- I don't care!

_I am so awake. I wish I could run, run straight out of this boring hospital to Phil. I keep thinking of him, I can't help it. I can't bear to think of Phil all alone. Especially at school. What would they do to him._

_I'm so scared, for him. I wonder if he misses me, thinks of me as much as I think of him. I wish I could just open my eyes, so I could see his face. And when he's not here I could look at a photo. _

_Mum and him haven't seen me in a while. I just remember Phil at my side for so long, he's so loyal. I can now here Nurse Jules coming in. I don't like here at all. She just acts like I'm a piece of machinery like everything else in the room. All she does is flip a few switches and then leaves._

_But now she doesn't do anything. "Come in then, hurry up" I can hear her say._

"Dan!" Phil ran to Dan. He put his arms around him. "Dan I missed you, I missed you"

Phil could feel the love pulsing from Dan, even if his eyes were firmly closed. "Dan I did something so stupid" he began.

_I'm so happy. It's Phil! Phil's come to see me. I missed him to, I'm trying so hard to move, I just can't. I feel Phil's warm touch. "I ran off, to that place we always go after school, and I met that girl Elen, the idiot thought I was like ten" I can here Phil whisper in my ear. I know Elen, I've seen her before with Phoebe. She better have been nice to him!_

_"Then I got lost and" He begins to whisper really quietly. "I found this pub and stole a bottle. They chased me in the dark, it was so scary" I can feel him shiver. Phil….why?_

_"And I tried it but my tastbuds are still like a babies and I found it horrible, and then I had nowhere to go so I had to sleep outside and It was cold and I was scared because I was alone in the dark and you weren't there" I can feel his tears against my skin. If I wasn't stuck in this coma I think I'd be crying._

_Just the thought of little Phil all alone at night small and scared. It makes me want to die. I have to try, I need to respond, he needs to know I'm still here._

Dan sighed deeply. Phil sat up. "Mum! Did you see that, he sighed, he heard what I said, mum Dan heard me!" he exclaimed. Kate sighed to.

"Honey, he might have just been breathing" She said softly. Obviously she thought it was nothing. But Phil couldn't let it go. He thought about it was he was dragged away from Dan's body.

He thought about it on the car journey home. He thought about it when he stared into the street. "_Dan"_ he whispered the name mournfully.

Kate stood up and went over to him.

"Phil you can't just stand there all day, you need to eat" she told him. Phil looked away.

"I'm not hungry" he said simply. He wasn't going to eat, not till Dan got better. He knew that it was completely crazy but he thought if he just didn't eat then maybe Dan would come to help him. Maybe.

"Can I go out" he said drearily. Kate frowned.

"Of cores not, you can't go where I can't see you, not after what happened" she exclaimed. Phil sighed, narrowing his eyes into slits. He hadn't put his contacts lenses in so everything was a little blurry.

Kate softened at his subdued expression. "Well maybe you can walk on this street, some fresh air might make you feel better" she suggested.

Phil went to get a jacket on as it looked chilly outside. "Fresh air won't bring Dan back" he muttered it under his breath but Kate still heard it.

"Ok well…kay" she said awkwardly. Phil went out and shivered. It was surprisingly cold. He rubbed his hands together and began to pace up and down the street. His gaze was on the ground until he noticed the same crowd of teenagers he had seen the day before.

A few seemed to notice him and they started whispering and muttering, nudging each other. No, they wouldn't go for him right, he was so much younger. He tensely walked on, licking his lips nervously.

He eventually got to the crowd. He'd have to pass them. If he didn't he'd have to risk going in to the road. The cars were going slowly but fast enough to knock him out or maybe put him in a coma. He imagined Kate weeping over his and Dan's bodies.

Maybe they'd be next to each other all the time, maybe Dan would wake up, but maybe he wouldn't. He shook his head. No, he'd just have to awkwardly shuffle past.

But he didn't like the way a couple of them were looking at him. Like _they_ were the scary lions with massive paws as big as your head and sharp dagger claws and he was a skinny little antelope.

Swallowing he tried to edge past them. It seemed to be ok, until a boy tripped him up. He landed flat on his front. Pain surged through him, and he found tears coming to his eyes in shock. It hurt so much. Where was Dan coming to shout at them to leave him alone? Oh where was Dan?

He slowly got to his feet. His knees were grazed and his arm was bleeding and his right leg hurt unbearably. _Don't cry Phil don't cry! _He told himself, blinking hard. He began to walk away, aware that he was tiny in comparison to them.

"Look you made the baby cry" one jeered, causing the rest to fall about laughing. That did it. Phil turned round, not caring about the tears.

"I don't care what you think" he shouted, his voice high and squeaky. They all collapsed laughing. He blushed, knowing it didn't look good on his pale skin. He wiped a tear from his eye and continued to walk, ignoring their shouts and insults.

He didn't blame them too much. He'd laugh at him. Why was he so pathetic? He came back inside, running upstairs before Kate could ask him what was wrong. He went to Dan's side of the room and lay on the floor weeping.

When he calmed down he lay quietly on the floor looking up at the white ceiling. There was a large mark chipping the paint from when they had tried to touch it. Dan had climbed up on his bed and jumped, banging his head.

He knew Dan could reach it on his tip toes now. Phil could reach it just about if he jumped. He tugged on the ends of his dark black hair.

"Come on _grow_" he told himself desperately. They'd start calling him Mouse if he wasn't careful. Dan called him Kitten. Then Phil would roll onto the floor mewing and batting his hands, curling them into paws.

He tried meowing now. It sounded like a broken instalment. There was a knock on the door. Phil crawled into the corner of the room, wincing as his grazed knee banged against the wall.

"Phil, I'm coming in ok" Kate said, her voice muffled. She opened the door. Her eyes were filled with despair when she saw him hunched up in the corner. Then she examined him more closely.

"Philip what is that?!" she asked, her gaze fixed upon his scratches. "Oh….I uh…"

"What in the world happened, come on come down we need some antiseptic on it, a plaster on the arm" she said, tugging him away from his corner of warmth. "Nooo, a plaster will make me look like a little kid…." He moaned.

"For heaven's sake Phil you're only fourteen" she snapped as she rummaged in the forbidden cupboard. It was forbidden because when Dan was four or five he found a headache tablet and almost chosen on it until Kate held him upside down and shook him.

Fortunately Phil had been too scared to try anything but they still weren't allowed in it. Phil rubbed the skin around his cut arm, even though it was getting blood on his fingers it still made him feel better.

It was a weird sensation feeling blood. Phil didn't actually mind the metal italic taste; it gave him a dramatic vampire feeling.

"Phil" Kate began as she took out a box of pills and tablets. "I miss Dan just as much as you do"

_Yeah right _He thought bitterly.

"He's my son you know" she reminded him. Phil flinched as if someone had slapped him. He hated being reminded he wasn't technically Dan's brother. They weren't related at all. Not by blood. It made him feel more pain than the bleeding wound on his arm.

"But do not hurt yourself because of it!" she began to look close to tears herself. Phil felt sick. He wanted to tell her the truth. He wasn't trying to commit suicide or something. But if he told her it was that gang, she'd talk to them and they'd surely get him. And Dan wouldn't be there to stop them.

"No-mum I fell over, you know, just tripped over my own feet" he said unsurely, not sounding too convincing.

"Phil do you promise you're telling the truth" she suddenly said, holding him firmly by his shoulders. Phil struggled. "I'm sure mum" god he hated lying. He hated life. Just fuck life. Fuck life.

That's what he thought when he lay on the floor next to Dan's bed at four am with his lion toy. But he knew that Dan could hear him. The sigh meant something. Maybe Dan could hear him now. He'd have a go.

"You'll never let those lousy bullies near me when your better right Dan" he whispered, opening the window and breathing out into the cool night air. He waited for a reply. There was none.

_I guess I have to get used to that…._


	6. Chapter 6- Your loved

"Phil you're going to have to go to school" It was five AM and Phil was refusing to move from the floor. "I can't spend more time off work" she tried to reason with him.

"Nooooooo" he groaned, squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn't go to school. The thought was horrible. Wondering the playgrounds alone completely exposed to Casper and his gang, with Dan not there to protect him. Dan not there at all.

"Phil, look I don't want to make you but if I spend much more time off work I will lose my job!" she said fretfully. Phil stopped and sat up. "Ok, I'll go" he said, feeling taut.

"Thank you son" she said gratefully kissing the top of his head. "You can sleep in a bit longer if you like" she offered. Phil shook his head. "Nah…nahh, I'll just get ready"

She went off. He looked in his and Dan's wardrobe for his uniform. He found it crumpled at the back, it really needed to be ironed. He pulled on his trousers. He didn't want to take his top off though; it was so warm and felt like sleep. He kicked his school top across the room rather violently.

Sighing he went to go get it back when he realised it was badly torn. He scowled at it. He'd have to improvise. He rummaged around and found a plain white top. It was too small but it'd have to do. His shoes were too small as well and rubbed uncomfortably against his toes. They'd been too small for a while but he didn't ask for new ones because he knew they didn't have the money. He knew he should shower, especially as he had recently slept outside, but there wasn't time, and Phil's hair absorbed water like a hyper active sponge.

He didn't have breakfast so on the car journey to school his stomach felt all fluttery. Maybe he was just nervous. He always was. He kept fidgeting nervously, feeling embarrassed that he couldn't walk to school. But they'd get him if he did, however careful he was.

The school loomed over him like a massive cougar with blood red dripping fangs and claws ready to snatch at him. He felt all choked up. He stepped out the car, tucking his hair behind his ears, one if his nervous habits.

Kate stepped out next to him. Shut the car door and started walking. Phil looked at her questioningly. "Err…..mum?" he asked.

She turned back to him.

"Oh I'm just going to have a word to your teacher to explain the situation" she said and continued to briskly walk off. Phil hurried after her, then thought better of it and walked very much behind.

But she waited for him when they reached the gate. Two year nine girls gave him a strange look. He blushed and started to walk in.

"You go find your friends ok" she called after him. A few people gave him odd glances. Feeling like he just wanted to be engulfed by a black hole he headed towards the library instinctively, keeping his head down. She was wrong. He didn't have friends.

Not really looking where he was going he abruptly bumped into someone. It was Tasha. Of all people. She looked down at him with an evil grin. Phil breathed in sharply, backing a few steps away from her, but there was nowhere really to go. If he ran she'd catch him, but if he didn't…..

She looked around, clearing looking for Dan. Phil swallowed as she stepped towards him. "Where's Dan huh" she asked, a sickly smile pinned onto her face. "All alone?"

Phil wanted to stand up to her, but he couldn't, he was scared. He'd tell her the truth. "Dan's in a coma" he said and shakily walked away, his legs wobbling.

She hesitated, then tried to catch up with him. Her expression softened to one of sympathy. She started to run. He started to run.

"Just leave me alone" he shouted, outrunning her. Looking round wildly he ran into the library. He stood against the wall, not daring the breath as she passed. She was gone. She had been ready for him.

He breathed a sigh of relief and went to sit down at his and Dan's usual table. There were four seats. He took up one. He was used to Dan's soft voice, his body next to his, his dark eyes fixed on his icy blue's.

Now he wasn't there. He might never be there again. He felt bleak. He was bleak. Bleak and cold inside. Dan was his warmth.

Dan was his fire. Without fire he'd freeze and turn hard and cold inside. Phil leaned on the desk. An older girl, year ten looked at him with a worried expression. Moaning slightly he hid his face in his hands.

When the bell rang for first period he didn't move until the bossy librarian told him to get out. Most people were in their lessons by now. He was so late, was there any real point in going. He had only ever skipped class before once in year seven, almost a year ago.

Dan had a cold and Phil was being mercilessly teased and was too scared to go. But he remembered he was firmly tensed the entire time, and when he heard footsteps he was ready for death.

But he was scared, too scared. He might as well attend. He sloped off into the humanities building. Now he was really late. The stairs were a challenge. Phil being small and the stairs being a rather lot, it took him longer than most of the other kids in year eight.

He was panting by the time he made it up. But he didn't want to go in just yet. He leaned against the large glass window. Seeing the immense drop. He wondered what it'd be like to jump? Soar down, feel the wind whistling in your ears. Everything a blur before your eyes. Quick and painless death. He spread out his arms like a bird, imagining he could fly right out of the crummy building.

Fly all the way home. No, to the hospital. No. To Dan.

"Hey squirt" Phil jumped round. It was Tasha, her eyes fixed on him. Phil stepped away, his back pressed against the glass. "Hey wait relax kid" she said as she came closer. How did she find him? Were the others there to?

He glanced around. "It's only me" she said, guessing his thoughts. "Your late, your lessons in there" she said gently, giving him a little push towards the door.

Phil swallowed. He wasn't going to wait around for her to get impatient. He entered the room. The door clanged as it shut. And all the eyes turned on him. He felt frozen into place.

Then he remembered it was Ms Horesfeild who really had it in for him, and for Dan. She had done everything she could to split them up. She looked up from her computer.

"Ahh, Philip, nice for you to join us, have a seat" she said curtly, and went back to her slow typing. Phil did a double, no – triple take.

She was never that nice, what was going on. First Tasha was being nice, now Ms Horesfeild. Then as he sat down on his usual seat at the back he realised she must have found out about Dan. It was always Dan.

Everyone like Dan better, but Phil loved Dan the most. The very most. He didn't feel like paying attention so took out his planner and started to draw. Most people's planners had a few rough sketches of roses and cupid hearts. Dan and Phil's were like a full Egyptian tapestry.

He turned over a fresh page; shortly realising he had forgotten about his homework. He started to sketch Dan's face. He got it right first try.

His clear skin, his deep chestnut eyes, his dark hair, his cheeky smile. When miss had moved on to lecturing a few girls about their insanely short skirts he inked over his pencil and shaded carefully.

Then in the background in splodgy ink he drew Dan in his white bed, motionless and still. On the next page he drew Dan as a baby, next to the much smaller Phil. Dan as a toddler, climbing and knocking things over.

He drew Dan in year one, shouting at the teacher for picking on his meek little friend. He drew Dan pulling him in for a hug as Phil said goodbye to his mother.

He drew Dan in year seven scaring off the bullies that pushed Phil over on their first day, He drew Dan in year eight, sitting with Phil in their usual spot in the library.

All his Dans.

Suddenly Ms looked over his shoulder. "This is a history lesson not an art lesson" she said wearily but didn't have a go at him. Phil was amazed. A very amazed Phil.

"But not amazing Phil" he whispered to himself as he saw his classmates neat italic handwriting. The bell rang for break. Phil sighed when she asked them to hand in their work. He dithered at the end of the queue. She raised an eyebrow. "Oh well Philip perhaps you can have a go at some home work for me"

Phil moaned and sank to the floor. She looked at him in a bored fashion. "As it seems you're so interested in illustrating you could draw me something, like a creature from the Victorian times" she suggested with a false smile. Phil stood up again. Drawing wasn't so bad.

"Ok" he agreed.

"Now I'd get going if I were you there seems to be two girls waiting for you" she said gesturing to the door. Phil shivered. Was it Tasha, this time with Sara?

Tentatively he opened the door and stepped out. Phoebe, and Elen? Before he had time to speak Phoebe threw herself at him. Phil wondered how many people had hugged him. His mum, Dan's mum, Dan….this was new.

For a moment he tried to regain balance, and then hugged her back. "Oh Phil oh my god Phil" she said, still hanging onto him. Elen smiled, patting Phil on the back.

"Good luck, she's never going to let go, come on Phee get off him" she said, pulling Phoebe off of him. Phil blushed red.

"Uh, can we go somewhere private" he said, noticing the looks from his classmates. They went behind the bike shed. Nobody went there because that was where a massive raging dog had apparently come through. It was just a rumour but people were still wary.

"Phil I'm so sorry for you" said Phoebe, tears started coming. She wiped them away nervously. Phil moved closer to her side. "It's ok, I won't judge" he caught Elen's eye. She hadn't judged either.

But Elen seemed too optimistic to cry. Though she did look stricken when Phil started as well. "I can't believe he's gone" she said, now fully weeping.

Phil felt something in his chest twang. Maybe another part of his heart. That belonged to Dan. His brother and his friend. Part of him, a half of him. He'd die for Dan, he'd do anything for him. He loved him more than anybody.

Even if Dan died, that wasn't going to ever change. Never. He started to cry more heavily, leaning against Phoebe. She was the same height as him, Elen was taller. He was surprised when she shed a few tears. She didn't know Dan but her friend did.

Phil couldn't stop the tears. But he felt better they shared his misery. Or did they? Did anyone care?

His mum didn't, she left him. Dan's mum wasn't his, Phoebe only really cared for Dan.

"Dan's the only person who loved me and now he's gone" he said, his voice muffled by tears. Phoebe suddenly stopped. "Phil, your loved" she said clearly. Phil shook his head.

"I love you Phil, and so does Elen" she said, elbowing Elen. She was trying so hard for him. That made him cry harder. Elen nodded convincingly and put her arm around his shoulders. He started shaking and wiped away his tears, a sudden wave of embarrassment washing over him.

A gang of girls walked past. "What's wrong with scrawny?" Yelled one and they ran away laughing. Phil could have ran after them, he could of swearerd at them but he just sighed and berried his head in his hands. Phoebe pulled him up.

"Come on, say we bunk off, I've got some canteen money, we could go to McDonald's" she suggested, tying to sound casual. Phil sat up. Was she really suggesting that? He felt reckless with grief but he scared as well. Maybe that was good. He thought. He want going to chicken out in front of their doubtful faces.

"Sure...ok..." He said uncertainly. Elen blinked in surprise and giggled. "We're a bad influence"

Phoebe grinned. "Yeah we're turning you into a bad boy!"

Despite himself Phil chuckled slightly at the idea. He'd just stay skinny, meek little Phil. Then he replaced his smile with a frown. Why has he laughing when the person he cared about most was hanging on life by a thread.

"Can we see Dan?" He asked suddenly. Phoebe nodded slowly showing no surprise. Elen gulped. He turned to her. "What?" He asked boldly. Elen shook her head and swallowed. "Hospitals...err...the kinda make me nervous" she said biting her lip.

Phoebe nudged her. "You can wait outside but I'm staying with Phil" she said firmly. Elen sighed, resting her head on Phil's shoulder. "Ok ok fine, let's just climb over the fence and get out of this hell hole" she said, swinging her leg over the fence and jumping over.

Phil gasped. It looked so easy to just leave. Why hadn't he done it before. Being smaller than Elen he struggled a bit but managed to get over. He felt a thrill of excitement and his stomach went tight.

"Ow!" He crashed against the side of the fence. He was so accident prone! He swallowed and put his hand to the scratch on his neck. Phoebe pulled him up. Phil shook her off. He wasn't an invalid. He could get up.

"Right let's go before they get us" Phoebe suggested and they left just like that. Of cores the usual thread of worries weaved themselves through his brain. When should he get back, what would they do, would they tell Kate, what would she do?

He pushed them to the back of his mind. He had enough to worry about. Phil didn't know the exact route to the hospital which resolved in them getting lost a couple of times for Phoebe to mutter under her breath "For fucks sake Phil!"

But he could see by her face that she regretted it later. But eventually the familiar white hospital walls loomed over them. Elen shuffled her feet as they stood there in an awkward silence.

"Come on then" Phoebe said, masking her impatience as she pushed them in. A woman at the front desk looked up sharply. "We're not open, visiting times are on the board over there" her voice was hard and robotic. Elen blushed. Phoebe didn't waste any time.

"Our Dad said we could, we need to see our brother, he's in a coma, thank you" she said without a second thought and pushed them away. The woman looked as though she might stop them but she did nothing.

Phil lead them down the corridor into the room to Dan's bed. But there was no Dan. The bed sheets were stripped bare.


	7. Chapter 7- And he was gone

"Dan?!" Phils eyes turned big and round with shock. Where was he?! They'd got the right room, right? He was sure! His mind started racing with the different possibilities. The one that scared him the most lurked at the back of his head, trying to get to him. He couldn't quite articulate the words, even in his head. Fear gripped him and he stood there frozen in place, like his feet were glued to the floor. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out.

"Oi what you lot doing in here!?" an angry nurse with an irritated red face came over, her arms folded. Phil tried to speak but his voice came out croaky and raspy and he couldn't. Phoebe came and stood in front of him protectively. "Um, we're here to see Dan...Howel, uh he's his brother" she said awkwardly gesturing to Phil.

"Well I don't see why you have to be here to right!?" she said. He voice had a high patronizing tone. Phil was used to those voices in primary school. He thought he wouldn't have to hear them again. Elen narrowed her eyes behind her glasses. "Where is he?" she asked icily. The nurse took a step back, surprised at their fierceness.

"I don't know! He's been moved because he's more stable" she exclaimed indignantly. Phil could tell she was lying. Why wouldn't she tell. His relief was almost swallowed by curiosity. "Where is he?" he said sternly, grinding his teeth. The womans face turned more angry.

"He's in the next room now quit disturbing me!" she shrieked. Phil also knew that tone. He shuffled outside. He felt odd. Part of him wanted to stay. She hadn't known about him and his cowardice. To her he was a determined brave. He felt strong fighting on Dan's behalf. He wanted a fight. He wanted to prove his strength. But more he wanted to see Dan.

Phoebe guided him out but he flicked her hand away, though he felt guilty about it the second after he'd done it. Instead of his gaze fixed anxiously to the floor he looked on straight ahead, confidence seemed to flow through him. Tenderly he pushed open the door with the palm of his hand. Dan was there in the bed. His Dan. With wires and tubes and masks but still Dan.

Instead of shouting Phil ran to Dan without a word. He was sure he could feel the love pulsing from him. "Dan" he said gently. Dan lay still. Phil's eyes flickered over Dan's face. He gently brushed away part of his fringe that was covering his eye, he knew he hated it when his hair was in his eyes. Especially as they both had lank long hair that stretched down almost to their shoulders. Well Phil's did, Dans was a fraction smaller.

"Dan" his voice was a hoarse whisper. Dan sighed deeply. Phil's eye brimmed with tears. Dan could hear him. Trying to get up? Come on Dan, try as hard as you can, use all your effort, your so strong, come on!. Dan stayed still, it looked as if the sigh had been all he could currently master. Oh well. He knelt on the floor next to him, self concious that the two girls were watching him. He blinked hard to stop himself. Phoebe took the hint and nudged Elen out. Elen seemed more than happy.

"Dan" he began again. "I don't know long your going to stay like this" he bit down on his lip because it sounded like he was blaming him. "Sorry Dan" the name began to loose meaning as it was constantly repeated. "I know it's not your fault, just...try to get better. I need you...ok" he said bluntly. He stayed there silently, breathing in time with Dan, keeping him company, until Elen coughed. Phoebe's hand hovered above him for a few moments.

"Phil" she whispered gently, her hand on his shoulder. "We need to go, he's stable...healthy". Phil's eyes turned cold. He brushed his finger against Dan's and got up. He walked out, pushing open the door with his foot, staring straight ahead. The effect was a little ruined when the door banged into his shoulder. He winced and walked on, out of the hospital, ignoring the strangers as they stared at the small skinny teenager with jet black hair and the tears in his ice blue eyes.

He didn't hear the footsteps of Elen and Phoebe. It was getting dark. He tried to stop but he kept on walking. He felt so drawn to it. The darkness, the cold. It engulfed him, filled his body. He tried to cry out but his voice got caught in his throat. He ran, his feet banging against the ground beneath him. Shadows waved their dark claws at him. Not in anger...in welcome.

Everything seemed to close in around him, coming at him, chasing him. The blood pounding in his chest, his tripped on a root and fell. Rolling down the steep slope, rocks and branches cutting his skin, making him bleed. He stopped. Panting, he felt his chest. The feeling of being of being drawn towards the dark forest had faded. But he was teetering on the edge of it. What was it? Insanity?

He drew his hand away. Even in the darkness he realised it. The pain in his chest, the dark metallic smell. He was coated in blood. It covered his front, seeping into the grass. Staining the leaves red. The moon glared down at him. The little of warmth inside him was covered with cold. No fire. Made him turn bleak and cold. He closed his eyes.

He was going to die. His eyes filled with tears. He cried till he let out a long scream that echoed round the forest. He needed Dan! That was all! He just bloody needed Dan. His scream faded. His breaths were shallow and gasping. The deep wound was pumping out blood by the second. Why did it have to end like this. He didn't want to die. He wanted to live with Dan. Stay with him forever. He didn't think it end this way. Alone, bleeding. Death. For some it seemed like a realise. For him it was not. Not if it was without Dan.

"Dan" the same word now came from his mouth. "Dan I love you, even after death I'll love you with all my broken shattered heart. You are my fire, I am your ice. I love you"

And he was gone.


	8. Chapter 8 -Bring me to life

"Phil" Phoebe found the body curled into a ball at the bottom of a ravine. No! She half ran half skidded down, her breath fast. "Phil!" she screeched at the ebony haired figure. No! It couldn't be happening. She fell next to him, her body felt as if it was made of stone. Panting she brushed her fingers over his pale skin. It was ice cold. His eyes were half closed and his body was curled, his hands touching his feet. Uncertainty she touched his chest. Dread filled her as she saw his clothes that stuck to him were stained black.

Sharply she drew her hands away. It was what she had feared. "Phil..." she whispered, her voice barley audible. Fresh tears dripped down her cheeks as she rested his head in her hands. He felt cold and stiff. Dead. He was dead. Phil was dead. She wasn't sure how long she wept over his body. The dawn sun warmed her back as she crouched there. She had pins and needles in both her feet but she didn't care. More tears dropped onto Phil.

Phoebe could be reckless but she wasn't stupid. She wanted to curl up and lie here in the wet autumn leaves with Phil. But she needed to do something. There was no way she was leaving his body here to rot. But could she be seen with him? It would look like she killed him. Phoebe growled at nobody. "As if I would!" she hissed. The sun and the wet ground and the sharp rocks that had killed him made her feel uncomfortable.

The hard feeling in her chest reminded her she had never got to tell him that she loved him. Dan was her best friend, since year seven, though she'd never even got close to where Phil was. But her love for Phil burned strong and powerful, making her heart hurt unbearably. She lifted him up in her arms. She expected him to be heavy, but he was as light as a feather.

Dried blood rubbed against her arms but she ignored it, and held Phil firmly. But getting up the ravine was a challenge, especially as her vision was blurry because of the tears, also climbing was difficult as all the wanted to do was to crawl into the corner of a dark room and cry. She drew in breath sharply, so as not to cry out as the sharp rocks cut into her, making her arms bleed.

She was shocked at how much it hurt as the blood poured out. Indistinctly she licked her wound, trying to reduce the pain. She was mainly supporting her weight by going up half on all fours, testing rocks to see if they were loose or not before grabbing hold of them to pull herself up.

When she reached the top she almost fell from exhaustion. She wanted to lay him down. Let him rest in peace. No. She'd carry him even if it meant she broke her back. He was light but her grief was heavier. Every footstep their mingled blood dropped onto the grass of the sloped forest.

Tears and blood littered the leaves. Her Phil, her little kitten Phil was dead. Why? Why take him. She started to weep. He had been bullied all his life, shunned, looked down on, pushed, punched, kicked, made fun of, he was too young, too sad and too innocent.

* * *

Phil's eyes flickered open. Where was he? He could see dark green sliver tipped grass blowing gently in a clearing on oak trees. The sky was dark dusky purple. White dust seemed to be clinging to him. Stars were in his hair. He tried moving. He didn't feel stif or sore, but strong.

He stood up. Was this heaven, or hell...where was he? Was he alive? Was he dead? He had died hadn't he. Maybe he was in a coma? Maybe Dan was here? Dan! Where was Dan!?

"Dan!" He yelled, looking around in panic. Suddenly a tree rustled. Phil nearly jumped out of his skin. And a smooth skinned teenage boy with shoulder length dark hair and deep chocolate eyes stepped forward.

Phil's eyes filled with tears. So was he dead? Or alive. He didn't give a fuck anymore. "Dan!" He screamed. He ran forward, jumping at him, knocking him over. They collided on the ground. Phil's arms were wrapped around Dan as if he'd never let go. Dan was here, in his arms! Oh Dan!

"Your alive, your ok!" Phil wept into Dan. Dan chuckled, though his own eyes were filled with tears. Crystal white tears. Phil put his head under Dan's chin as he cuddled him tightly.

"Oh Phil..." Dan returned the hug. Phil wasn't sure how long they lay there. A second, a lifetime. It didn't matter. He was there, next to Dan. They watched the stars till Phil fell asleep, though he was filled with so much energy.

Dan smiled at his little brother. He had waited for him. It was lonely here. All he could do was watch on as Phil grew worse. And it was his fault he had tried to so hard to wake up, to tell Phil he loved him. He remembered the long cold lonely walks through the beautiful dark forest filled with stardust, with just bitter sweet memories to keep him company.

But Phil was dead. Like he was. No. Dan could wake up. Phil couldn't. Phil was dead. Dan ran his fingers through Phil's hair. He noticed how thin he was. Phil was generally slim but now he was too small and weak. He needed to eat. Dan would make sure of that.

Phoebe had been so kind to him. She was a good person. He'd remember that. Phil grunted in his sleep, nuzzling into Dan as a frown appeared. Another nightmare? Dan wondered if he should wake him. But since his coma Phil'd hardly slept. He needed the sleep. Dan stroked his cheek, whispering gently to him to try and sooth him.

Phil's body started to shake violently. Dan couldn't bear it any longer. "Phil!" he said loudly. Phil jumped, his eyes wide and round. His breath was gasping. Dan's stomach lurched. "Phil its ok! Its ok I'm here! I'm here" he said, trying to relax him. Phil was still shivering when Dan wrapped his arms around him. Phil sobbed into his shirt. Dan hated it when this happened to Phil. His imagination was sometimes too powerful and it could lead to him getting hurt.

"Phil what happened" He asked once Phil had calmed down a bit. Phil swallowed. "Well" he said, his voice wavering, on the verge of tears. "No! I can't!" he yelled desperately, berrying his face into Dan. Dan slowed his breathing. Phil joined in. "Ok now, tell me what happened" he said softly.

"Oh Dan it was horrible!" he exclaimed, looking like he'd start crying again. "No more tears Phil" he said to him, lying him down next to him again. Phil relaxed at the warmth of Dan's body and nuzzled in next to him. After a few sighs and deep breaths he started again. He clasped his hand in Dans. It fitted perfectly. They had done that a lot in year seven, and had been accused of being gay so many times. But the two didn't care if they had any more friends. As long as they had each other.

"I dreampt that you were gone" he began throatily. "That you were in your coma, and then dead, completely gone, not even here. And I was looking for you and running and screaming for you and then I heard you. You were at the bottom of this- dip in the ground and you were lying there with blood all over you and tried to get to you but I couldn't and I was scared you were..."

He broke off, his voice hoarse and raspy. Then he looked into Dans eyes. "But Dan...we are dead...aren't we" he asked. Dan sighed, stroking Phils hair. He looked so innocent and vulnerable, like a new born kitten. "No Phil" Dan began. "Your dead, I'm alive"

Phil's face crumpled. "I just want us to be together, why is it so hard?" He looked so contort, it made Dans heart brake. "I just want us to be happy" he said, looking up at Dan with his big blue eyes, filled with desperation. "I know Phil, I know" Dan murmured.

"Phil" he said after a while. "I want you to meet someone" he said, sitting up. Phil yawned, blinking his eyes open. "Wha-" he said, confused, them stopped and smiled up at Dan. He purred, leaning on Dans side happily. "Who? Is there anyone else here?" he asked, looking round.

"Yeah, come with me" Dan said. Phil obediently trotted over by his side. When they had reached the outside of a clearing Dan stopped him. Phil looked at him expectantly. Dan smiled, but not with his eyes. "Come meet your mum" he said gently.

Phil stopped, the colour flooding into his face. "What...what? My...mum?"

Dan pushed apart the bushes and into the clearing, Phil at his side. The frail women was sitting by a stream on a smooth silver rock, looking into Phils eyes. Phil's jaw dropped as he walked slowly towards her. "Mum?" he asked, though he clearly recognised her.

"Yes Phil..." he replied. Phil remained speechless for a few seconds and then hugged her. She hugged back but drew away quickly after. Phil breathed out. "How much of your love did the cancer destroy?" he asked simply. She nodded. "Yes, i...I can't rember...some of the things I should"

Dan came up and put his hand on Phils shoulder. "I forgot about that" Phil turned to him. "What?!" he asked. Dan sighed regretfully. "Cancer suffers often loose memories, memories that matter most...like a goodbye" he mewed. Phil's eyes narrowed.

"Do you even know me?" he asked her. She stared at him blankly. "I know _of_ you" she began. "Who am I" Phils eyes began to well up. "Somebody I left behind" she rasped. "Brilliant" said Phil dryly, and he walked away. Dan hurried after him.

"Wow so your not all soft are you Phil kitten" Dan exclaimed warmly. Phil burrowed into Dan. "I love you more" Dan stiffened. "Really...we don't even share blood"

Phil smiled weakly. "We don't need to share blood to love each other...right" he replied firmly. Dan nodded. "Yeah, your right" his voice sounded sad though, sad and soft.

"Dan" Phil faced the question. "Where are we" his eyes flickered around the starlit forest. "This" said Dan in an unimpressed way. " - is the land of the dead...well...one of them, a pretty small and peacefull little on...but lonely as shit...and pretty boring, we truly have the worst internet connection" he joked.

"So I wouldn't recomend dying again cuz-" he put his hand over his mouth in shock when he relaised what he said. Phil tipped his head sideways. "What?" He asked, his blue eyes clouded with confusion. Dan removed his hand and heavily breathed out.

"People who fall into Comas still are alive, we still have a life" he began bluntly. Phil clasped his hand, willing him to go on. Dan stiffened. "And" he turned to face Phil they could get lost in the others eyes. "And I can give it to whoever I want" he whispered.

Phil took a step backwards. "No..." He croaked, his feet connecting with the roots of trees, trying to trip him. No! This couldn't be happening. "I'm sorry" Dan murmured, bring Phil back into his arms. He ran his hand through his hair. "Only one of us are making it out of this place and it's gonna be you" he said, his voice low but controlled.

Phil's lip quivered. "No...I...I won't let you" he stammered. Dan shook his head slowly. "I have the life, your dead...I want to live not me" he said. "No!" Phils wracked wail filled the forest. "I'll just live here now, with you" he wailed, burying himself in Dans shirt.

"No little kitten" Dan murmured softly. "No..." he repeated firmly. Phil couldn't hear anything, just kept sobbing into Dans shirt. "I give this life to you" Phil sprang backwards as a bright light appeared from Dans hands. He rested his hands onto Phil's head, and light glowed around him. The life light.

"Goodbye Dan, I'll never forget you!, please get better please wake up" he yelled as his body was absorbed by the light. The last thing he could here was Dans strained voice.

"I love you Phil"


	9. Chapter 9- Not like anybody cares

Pain filled Phil's body. Where was he. He reached for Dans warm hand. Then he remembered, the cold truth, the cold cold truth that Dan was gone and without him. Where was he now then? He searched for the wet autumn leaves in which he had died in. They weren't there. He blinked open his eyes.

He saw up above him a white ceiling, too white, it stung his eyes. Why weren't his contacts in? And where was his glasses. Everything seemed blurry. Dan? The though hurt his mind. He whimpered. Where was Dan now?! Dan should be here with him, lying beside him. Why did nothing go right for him.

He could have screamed. Maybe he would. He needed help. He groped around. Wires. Wires were all over him, stuck to his skin. Indistinctly he tried to rip them off and run away. _Coward!_

But they were stuck to him firmly and had not intention of coming off. He moved his leg and pain shot through it like a bullet. He coughed and cried out. Where was everyone? A woman dressed smartly in white shot over to his side and whispered in another woman's ear without taking her eyes off him.

"Where am I?" he croaked, his voice barely audible. Pathetic. The woman wrote something down on her clipboard. She gave him a frosty glare. "No matter" she said to her friend, who nodded. "Hospital" she said coldly, her blue eyes like ice. "Sleep" she ordered.

Phil began to struggle. "Let me go!" he wailed in desperation, his voice slightly louder. She raised an eyebrow. "Later" she hissed, and walked away. Phil tried to break free from the wires that pulled him down. He growled in frustration. Tears ran down his cheeks as he was shook by panic. But the tears meant nothing. Too much sobbing and tears were meaningless. _What a pathetic baby!_

Eventually he stopped writhing and closed his eyes. When they opened again the world seemed more blurry and fuzzy than before. Cursing, he tried to sit up to the best of his ability. "Here" the voice was calm and soft but not Dans so they were worthless.

His glasses lay in front of him. Gasping he hurriedly put them on and blinked as the world snapped back into place. He shook his head to clear the blur. Who was in front of him? So many questions... Phoebe? He recognised the blue eyes. Elens flashed moss green behind her glasses. As his vision snapped back into focus he began to try and read their expressions.

Phoebes was one of anger, Elens was sadness. He could see tears begin to form. He bit his lip. "What's wrong" he muttered, his voice husky. Phoebe glared at him, as if looking rite through him. "Is it Dan?" he asked worriedly, thinking of the beautiful brown eyed boy in the misty starlit forest and the unconscious Dan in a coma.

Phoebe hissed. "Its you fucking idiot!" she cried, her voice lowered. Phil flinched back in surprise. He slumped back. "I just died" he mumbled. "No big deal" he fixed Phoebe with a stare, their blue eyes locking together. He tucked a loose stand of hair behind his ear. "Its not like anyone cares"

Phoebe shuddered. "Can you not here yourself?!" she shouted. A few of the weird woman in white raised her heads. Phil breathed in. Elen coughed. "Phil...Phoebe does care 'bout ya" she tried to reassure him. Images of Phoebe and Dan together flashed through Phils mind.

"Yeah, because I'm all that's left of Dan!" he retaliated with. Phoebe's eyes welled up with tears. "Your crazy!" she cried, and ran out of the room, her face in total agony. Phil gasped, reaching out his hand as if to try and catch her. She was gone.

Elen gently touched his hair. "You died Phil?" she asked curiously, not seemingly phased by her friends scene. Phil nodded stiffly. "Yep"

Her hair stood on end as she looked at with with awe. "What was it like?!" she exclaimed. Phil sniffed, not particularly wanting to share it all. "A beautiful but lonely forest, mist and starlight, Dan was there, and so was my mum...I guess you can say..."

Phil turned away. "Dan brought me to life"


	10. Chapter 10- I've grown cold inside

Phil itched at the long bandage on his chest. It was so uncomfortable. He had been forced to stay in the hospital bed for two weeks. Basic boredom and depression. They kept trying to make him eat. What was the bloody point of that? To keep him alive? Pah..

That ship had sailed when he_ did_ died. He had got kind of used to being alone now. Phoebe didn't visit him, and Elen had been busy with projects. But when she did find the time she informed him about the gossip at school. Casper had collected more followers.

He groaned. Soon half the school would be against the stupid, shy prick that he was. He was currently at home. His last day before he'd have to face the hell again. He leant against Dans bed. It was like the calm before the storm. What could he do to ease it all.

To ease everything. He was a failure. A failed human being. So flawed but together with someone so perfect. Someone that was indeed Dan. He stood up and looked out the window. Rain was pelting down outside. He could here it drumming against the window pane and thumping on the tiles of the roof.

"I wanna hide the truth, I wanna shelter you" he sang softly to himself. He knew all the words. "But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide" the words were comforting, and came to him easily. "No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed"

His eyes flashed to the photo of younger Dan and him. "This is my kingdom come" his heart thumped under his shirt. "This is my kingdom come" his voice wavered.

"When you feel my heat, Look into my eyes, It's where my demons hide, It's where my demons 't get too close, It's dark inside. It's where my demons hide. It's where my demons hide"

He didn't deserve Dan. Not at all. Yet Dan loved him right? He wondered what Dan had been dreaming about on his last night. He flipped open Dans dream diary. "Phil you utter perve" he said to himself. The last entry.

_Friday 19th _

_This is kind of rushed because of the horrif illlllnezz.I wa walking down a feild, and there were red flowers. So I walked through them and they leaked blood. Everywhere! It was so werid and it was oozing everywhere, reuning the grass, and then I saw the broken bodys of Phil and I together at the bottom of a pit. Scary but unrealistic!_

_I haz to go school in a few mins and I am still pporly. :(_

Phil broke. It was all too real. Way too real. "You fucking cunt" he cursed himself. This was all his fault Dan was ill after all. He hand't convinced Dan to go to the doctors in time. If he'd done that, been more firm, Dan would be all right. Dan would be here beside him right now.

He deserved to die. Dan was too good for him. He crept downstairs and opened a draw. He found the knife. Small but deadly sharp. He deserved this. Hesitantly he held it poised, and quickly dug it into his arm. He screamed in pain as the blood poured out onto the kitchen floor.

It hurt, blood loss was what he had died from. But it felt so good. He felt comforted in a way. A reminded that he was still real. Unfortunately. "Dan is my fire, without fire I'v grown cold inside" he'd heard that many times before, it played inside his mind.

"Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan is my fire, without the fire" he took out the knife, causing more blood to spurt out over the tiles, running down his leg and splashing over his feet, staining them bright red. It felt so good, so real, he deserved it. But it was bad. But so good. He'd be doing that again for sure.

No he wouldn't! But...he felt so cold...and his fire was gone.


	11. Chapter 11- Forever bleed

Textiles. Lesson 3 Monday. He fingered the angry red mark on his arm. It was bright and painfull but it felt good to have it. How selfish. He kept his sleeves up all the time in case anybody. He didn't want to be the cause of more pain and anger already. Phoebe and Elen weren't in any of his classes except from Maths and English.

He hated Textiles, or any kind of tech. He couldn't sew for a start and was often so left behind he couldn't finish anything. He sat near the front right by their new teacher, Miss Wilson had a thing about confidence and seemed to always pick on him all the time.

He stood in front of the door. He was late. Brilliant. He craned his neck trying to look through the small window in the door. God how he wished he was taller, as tall as Dan. Dan could rest his chin on Phils head if he wanted to.

Sighing he pushed open the door. All eyes shot towards him. Looking down at his feet he shuffled towards his place at the front and sat down. Miss's hawk eyes burned into him. Phil bit his lip. Miss coughed loudly. "Excuse me" she said dangerously quietly.

Phil raised his head. "Hmm?" he replied. "Do you expect its perfectly all right to just waltz into my classroom half an hour late without an excuse or apologie!?" she fumed loudly. Phil blinked behind his glasses. He could feel everyone looking at him. The worst feeling in the world.

"S-sorry m-miss" he stammered quietly. Miss cupped her ear. "What's that?" she asked sarcastically. Phil's hands curled into fists. He wouldn't be patronized by her. "I don't give a shit" he said simply, loud enough for everyone to hear.

Well that after school detention would be fun to explain to Kate._ Good one Phil, this is why you don't speak_, he reminded himself bitterly. He sat at the back, not sewing and mulling over everything. He was at the end of a long table. What better way to start the day than humiliating himself in front of twenty other pupils.

Hailey, a pretty girl with shining blue eyes and inky waves of black hair that he had met on his first day pushed past him, followed by half of the class. All females. Phil sighed. He had no friends. How could somebody have so many? It was slightly unreal.

He flicked the needle around on the palm of his hand. Hailey bashed into him, causing the needle to slide into his hand. He didn't cry out in pain or yell at her. Just slowly blinked and sighed. Blood dripped from his hand as the pulled the needle out.

She crouched down beside him. "Aww my gawd I am_ so_ sorry, did it hurt?!" she asked mockingly. Her freinds in the background clutched each other just giggling away. Still he didn't speak. He just shook his head and looked away. They all burst into more laughter and hurried away.

"When the days are cold, And the cards all fold, And the saints we see, Are all made of gold. When your dreams all fail, And the ones we hail,Are the worst of all, And the blood's run stale" he muttered under his breath. But what caught his eyes was the blood.

Beautiful and bright red. He let it bleed, running over his skin. Forever bleed.

* * *

**Lol sorry for the short chapter next one will be longer I promise :)**


	12. Chapter 12- Alex

Phil sat on his own. Lunch was his least favourite time. The smell of the food made him feel sick, so he sat hidden in corners of the buildings reading or just thinking. Letting his mind wonder. He watched the different groups of friends together.

It was so quiet here, and he felt so cold. He'd always been outside though. With Dan. He sat back and let the memories wash over him.

_"Come on Dan is warm outside" Phil mewed, flashing him a wide grin. Dan giggled. "All right, if it makes you that happy" They sat together. Dan closed his eyes in pleasure as the sun warmed his back and Phil rested against him sleepily._

That memory hurt it was so good. He knew Dans warmth. What happiness felt like. When was he last happy. His mind raced trying to grasp the answer. Nowhere to be found.

_"Gaylord!" the older boy pushed him. Phil felt to the floor, shivering, his tears falling down past his cheeks. He lay still out of fear. Dan screamed at them and stood over his friend. "Leave him alone, pick one someone not half your size why don't you!" he growled. They laughed and ran off. Dan helped him up and they hugged as if they'd never let go._

He was alone and freezing. With nobody there to talk to him. Basking in the bitter sweet memory he didn't notice the older red head girl come towards him. Sara...oh god. One of Caspers favourite girls. His eyes widened out of fear and he hurriedly stood up and walked away, quickening his pace.

Then she spotted him. "Hey Lester!" she cackled in delight and raced towards him. Phil gasped and ran from her. Sara was year ten though, a lot faster and longer legged than he was. Where could he go. He was running out of breath. His eyes darted round wildly looking for somewhere to hide.

He saw a bunch of year ten bosy, thirteen or more of them. He had no other choice. He dived behind them. Of cores that was useless. She easily caught up to him and slammed his against a wall.

He groaned, trying to wriggle away. She held him down. She pulled him back, only to slam him against the wall again. He groaned again, wincing and looking around. A year ten boy look up, his attention caught. Not that Phil noticed.

He tried to hide his arm. He didn't want the cut reopened. She saw it and pulled up his sleeve despite his desperate protests. Her eyes winded in surprise when she saw the long red mark, then they narrowed again. She punched his face and let him fall to the ground.

He indistinctly lay still, as he always did. Playing dead. She laughed and kicked him, a blow connecting with his head. He yelled out in pain, trying to claw himself away. She kicked him again until he lay still, pressing himself down to the ground.

"I'll finish you later!" she grinned, giving him one final kick that sent him sprawling against the wall. Blood trickled from his mouth. "Oww" He murmured to nobody. Why did she do that. What happiness was brought to her by hurting him.

Why did ones unhappiness give somebody so much pleasure. Shit. The bell would ring soon. This always happened when he got beat up. He'd just have to test how strong her was. He pushed his hands against the concrete and tried to raise himself up.

His head started to bang badly and he felt himself overcome with dizziness. Gasping for air, he let his aching body fall back to the floor. How would he explain the bruises and the cuts. How would he explain the moor wounds and spilled blood and the pang in his head.

Though would they care. He was just left alone to cry. Like when he was left alone in the wet autumn leaves to die. He closed his eyes, blinking away salty tears that mixed with blood. He couldn't remember how long he lay there but he remembered waking up to see the brown eyes of the year ten boy.

Where was he? Again... Hospital...no...

He was at school in the Nurses room. There were plasters on his cuts. The blond year eleven was sat next to him. He was tall and slim with a half crack of a sympathetic smile. Of cores Phils first reaction to a stranger older than him was fear, it was to run.

He cried out and ran outside. Nobody was outside. The next lesson would have started. But he was still scared and hid behind the bike shed in a mad rush. The year eleven boy soon poked his head round. What he saw was a small, skinny pale little year eight boy, covered in cuts and bruises and cowering in a corner, not speaking a word.

"Hey" Alex tried to make his voice was soft and reassuring. The kid was obviously petrified. He was shaking violently, his blue eyes huge. What was up with him. Like, he'd seen some shy kids, but none this bad. He took a few steps toward him.

The boy closed his eyes and turned away, still shaking. He was braced for something painful. "Hey relax kid its ok I'm not going to do anything to you" _Yeah, that was sure convincing Alex.._

"I'm a friend, honestly..." he said. The boy's breathing slowed. He stood completely motionless. Alex took another step closer, causing the black haired boy to flinch dramatically again.

"I'm Alex" he introduced himself. The boy bit his lip. "Can you speak" he asked uncertainly, feeling a little uncomfortable. The boys voice was raspy and quiet. "Phil" he croaked, keeping his head down.

"So you _can_ speak" he exclaimed. Then he ran his hands through his hair. "Sorry sorry, are you all right" he asked, crouching down to his level. Phil nodded quickly. It seemed like a reflex action. "Really, you can tell me its ok" he told him gently.

Phil nodded again, more hesitantly. Alex's brown eyes blinked at him. Maybe not so OK. "What class do you have next, I'll explain why your late" he said. He knew he was already horificly late for french but that could wait. He felt kind of responsible for the kid.

Phil shook his head. Alex thought. "You wanna go back to the nurse" he shook his head again. "Home?" Phil ducked his head. "Hospital" he muttered. "Yur that badly hurt?" Alex asked him. To be fair he didn't look very strong.

"No" Phil whispered again. "Friend"


	13. Chapter 13- Hello, I'm your mind

He waited patiently for Kate's car to come and pick him up so he could go home. He'd tried to cover the cuts and bruises best he could. The last thing he wanted right now was to be lectured by Dan's mum about this stuff. He could handle it.

He was normally pretty impatient and didn't like waiting but now he felt like he didn't want to leave the school. Like here he could hide from Dan's illness and from Kate's watchful eyes. But at home he could hide from Casper and his gang, Sara and Pete and Tasha and the rest.

He just wanted to hide from all the eyes he knew were watching him. He just wanted it to end. He was standing quietly alone at the pick up place. Few crazy year nines, bunch of year sevens, the lone year eleven. A year nine boy shoved him roughly.

"Get out the fuckin way mate!" he yelled. Startled Phil stepped back, blushing a little. He almost tripped over his own feet but regained his balance just in time. In his pocket his phone vibrated, momentarily distracting him from the embarrassment.

_Hey honey can you walk back, important business meeting last minute, there was an accident, keys are under the mat, stay safe ~ Kate_

Walk? He hadn't walked back in a while. Last year, when he was twelve to thirteen the way he and Dan had walked had been the way Pete and his mates walked. They had taken happily to making it misery for them. Dan, seeing Phils fear had insisted she pick them up.

That was then, this was now. If they still went this way he'd just have to suck it up. Or run...or hide. He could do that. He took a deep breath and started to walk away. He just about remembered the route. He was happy to walk actually. Not many people went this way.

He breathed a sigh of relief and basked in the warm loneliness that surrounded him. He almost felt glad. Maybe he should always walk. He didn't see any sine of Sara, or Pete...not Casper for sure. He couldn't actually see anyone.

He was fine, probably. He kept walking at a slow pace. It was cold and he could almost make out his own breath in front of his face. Winter was coming. Suddenly he heard a twig snap. Jumping he glanced quickly round.

Nothing. He blinked and kept walking, quickening his pace slightly. He remembered _Sara's warning- I'll finish you later-_

Then he felt the presence of a person behind him. Scarcely baring to breath he slowly turned his head round to look at them. He stood on the balls of his feet ready to spring away. He expect to see Sara, ready to pounce. But no.

He saw the golden haired year ten boy, his dark flashing eyes were soft. He tipped his head sideways. "Hi Phil" he greeted him warmly. Phil breathed out, but still kept tense just in case. Alex caught up to him and walked beside him.

He didn't try to make awkward conversation, just walked in comfortable a while Phil saw he house. Had he walked that far already. He looked up at Alex. "I-i have t-to go n-now" he stuttered. Alex smiled widely. "Kay, see you later.

And he kept smiling. Phil half smiled shyly back and began to run. He ran away from him. But not out of fear. He found he was still smiling when he entered the house. Kate was in the kitchen. He hung his bag up, something Dan had been incapable of doing, and walked up to her side.

She smiled at him wearily, not noticing his happiness much. "Hi, good day at school?" she sounded tired. Maybe she wouldn't notice the cuts on his skin. Her eyes flashed over him briefly. If she did notice, she chose not to mention it.

He nodded. "Sure" he replied, trying to sound firm. She breathed out. "Phil" she began weakly. Phil blinked at her. "Y- yes" he mumbled uncertainly. "This morning I found blood on the floor, in between the tiles" she began, her voice dangerously quiet.

Phil froze stiffly. "Uhhhuu" he replied, preying she didn't suspect anything. "Do you know what happened Phil" she asked coldly. Phil's palms began to sweat. "No" he whispered, then ran upstairs. "No!" he cried. He ran to the corner of his room and hid his head in his hands.

Kate banged on the door and came over to him, slamming the door behind her. "_Phil_" She said more harshly. "What happened yesterday, and what happened today?" she said firmly, touching one of the cuts on his forehead.

Phil turned away. "None of your business" he squeaked. Kate sighed deeply. "Phil, its all my business, why are you so hurt" she snapped sharply. "You wouldn't understand!" He roared. "You never understand!" he faced the wall so he wouldn't have to meet her hurt eyes.

She waited for an apologie for a while. Then just stood up and left him in peace. _"She's worried about you"_ Phil jumped, looking around. _"Hello Phil"_

Phil quivered, pressing himself into the wall. "Who's there?" he whimpered. A cold wind wiped over him. His eyes widened as the voice spoke again. _"Hello, I'm your mind"_

_"Taking over...now...you've been so bad, haven't you then" _It taunted him. Phil gasped in shock and fear, his hair stood on end. _"How can you punish yourself"_ It knew. He knew as well. Phil was too scared to answer. "What hurts the most?" It asked. "Missing D-d-dan" he muttered darkly.

"Apart from that!" It hissed. "Cut"


	14. Chapter 14- Need to cut

He ran downstairs, too afraid to argue. Kate was in the living room reading on her kindle. Would she hear him? It was too important to be scared of that. He quietly pushed open the draw and looked for the shiny metal object.

His fingers found the gloriously sharp blade. He picked it up and held it to his chest, waiting for the voices approval. He tensed as the tip pricked his skin through his shirt. _"Good boy, now cut!" _Phil cut, bringing the blade into his skin and letting the sweet painful relief wash over him.

"Phil?" Kate's voice! Clumsily Phil put the knife back in draw and pulled on his jacket t hide the black blood pooling down his chest. Kate stood in front of him. "Hey, hungry?" she asked. Phil flinched as if she had slapped him.

Like he deserved food. He shook his head quickly. "Philip" she said sharply. Phil rolled his eyes. "Geez what mum!" he growled. A sharp pain was forming on his chest. Why did the thing he loved hurt so much. So much pain. Beautiful horrible pain.

"Please, you haven't been eating much lately" she begged, looking him in the eye. "Yeah, neither has Dan" he said pointy. "I'm going out" he told her. Kate eyed him suspiciously. "Really?" she asked.

"Yeah..." he replied. He needed to clean up the blood. Kate sighed. "All right, but please eat something first" Phil grabbed an apple and headed out. He threw the apple into a hedge and hid round the corner in an alleyway. He lifted his top slightly to see the damage.

Lots of blood. Too much dark red black liquid poured onto the ground. The cold air made him feel better though, cold and free. Alone and freezing. Where would he go now. Dan...Dan...DAN

The hospital, yeah. He started to run, though was surprisingly drastically slowed as the blood dripped from his wound. He slowed to a staggering walk. He could make it right. Just a few more footsteps. Then he fell.

"Hey mate" Phil's eyes opened quickly and he jumped up, only to fall again. "Wh-w-who..." he murmured. The boy, older, blond, dark intense eyes, tall, lean...Alex?!. So he didn't try to run madly away. He didn't try to break away or play dead.

Instead. "Help m-me p-p-please" he groaned. Alex held out his hand and helped him stand up. "Your badly hurt little guy" he told him gently. Phil coughed. "No, no I'm fine" he stammered. He needed to get away. He needed to show Alex he wasn't wounded.

"I'm fine" he repeated, though he wasn't. "I-I c-can g-go now" he whispered, trying to escape the year tens grip. Alex shook his head. "Your real hurt, where do you live? I'll help you get back" Phil gasped in horror. Kate couldn't see this.

"No! I mean thanks but I'm ok, really" he tried to run away, but instantly fell again. He frantically tried to get up but it was no use. As the golden haired boy had said. He was hurt. Why did he do this to himself. Why? Alex gently helped him back up.

"I'm not going back" Phil whispered. Alex nodded slowly. "Then come back to my place" he suggested. Phil wasn't ok with strangers. Did Alex count as a stranger. Probably. But it was either him or Kate. So he nodded limply and with Alex supporting him the older boy lead the way.

"My parents are never home, so its just us" he told him as they approached the house. It was pretty big and looked expensive. It looked like he came from a posh background. What must he think of him? Why was even worrying about it.

Oh yeah, because he worried about everything. Just one of the joys of being Phil. Alex coughed quietly to get his attention. Phil looked up sharply. "Sorry" he muttered, blushing. He went inside and to his dismay it was ridiculously posh.

Alex seemed to notice Phil's gaze and blushed a little as well. "Sorry my house is a bit extravagant" he apologised, meeting Phils eyes. Phil could never do that. Look someone in the eye first with that confidence.

"Do you wanna sit down" Alex gestured to the long cream sofa in the living room. Phil nodded out of habit and sat down, staring at the ceiling. It seemed miles away. Alex smiled slightly and sat beside him. He blinked and gently took hold of the bottom of Phils shirt.

Phil flinched back, widening his big blue eyes. Alex bit his lip. "Sorry, but can I see your cut, it might get infected" he asked softly. Phil gasped. He'd see the old bandages from before, and the extra cuts from the treatment he got with Sara.

"No!" she cried, leaping backwards. Alex sighed. "Please, I won't judge, honest" he sweared, holding his hands up. Phil looked at the floor uncertainty. "And you won't tell, promise right?" he asked meekly. Alex nodded. Phil sat back down beside him and let him examine the deep cut on his chest.

He blushed red feeling self concious and exposed. He was glad when he put his shirt back down again, hiding his secret shame. "Phil, what happened?" he asked, his voice soft with sympathy. Phil looked away.

"N-nothing, its personal" he muttered. Alex looked so worried in that split second. He looked so much like he truly cared it reminded him of Dan for a second. Oh Dan...

Alex sighed deeply. "I understand, here, take these" Alex went into the kitchen and rummaged around in the top cupboard and gave him a big wad of bandages. Phil looked at them nervously. "T-thanks" he mewed, taking a few.

"Why-why d-do you h-have them?" he asked, summoning up what little courage he had. Alex in turn looked away. "My little sister gets it rough as well, she reminds me of you actually" he said replied. Phil blinked. "Is that why you helped me?"

Alex frowned, though when he did he had the ability to still look drop dead gorgeous. "Why wouldn't I?" he asked, his eyebrows furrowed. Phil sighed. "Because...nobody like me...I'm pathetic and useless and-" Alex cut him off.

"Hey, your not any of that" he reassured him. "You came to my house and let me see your cut, that's pretty brave, you didn't run or even cry" Phil felt shocked. Alex was so kind. Like an angel practically.

"How old are you, 12? I often see you just standing alone, thinking, sorry I made myself sound like a pervert" he said, running his hand through his hair. Phil smiled. "I turned fourteen in august actually" he said quietly. Alex's dark chocolate eyes widened.

"Your kidding" he declared, but with tact. Phil smiled again. "Year eight, I was born way early, I'm just small" he said quickly. Alex smiled widely. "Then I'm only a year older, though I'll be sixteen in February" Phil nodded. He yawned. He was tired. **_(PS. If you yawned right now I highly respect you!)_**

Alex noticed. "Yeah, sorry kid your mum'll be worried"

Phil enjoyed the walk back. For the first time in a while he felt safe. He almost trusted him, almost. He had been far too trusting before he joined North Leamington. Casper had soon sorted that. It would take him a long time to properly trust again.

"Hey, you do have a friend right" Alex said suddenly. Phil glanced up at him. "Who?" he smiled, walking a little more quickly to keep up with Alex's longer strides. "That tall brunet, I kept seeing him with you, where'd he go?" he asked.

Phil stopped, and burst into tears.


	15. Chapter 15- Feeling of dread

Phil sat stupidly grinning to himself all through break and at lunch he was at it again. He was sitting in cold outside of the canteen. He was in his usual corner behind the technology building. He liked it there. He was hidden pretty much.

He just couldn't get the thoughts of the tall golden boy out of his head all day and all of yesterday. Alex had helped him home and talked to him gently. Phil had been able to speak to him like a normal person would have been able to do.

He was so glad. He almost felt like eating something but he knew that was disgusting. He knew how bad he felt when he had the two biscuits when he got back. He was almost ready to throw them back up. But that might make it worse.

He wouldn't eat, not while Dan was like that. He loved Dan forever and always but maybe now he wouldn't be so alone. Phoebe was doing her best to avoid him and Elen was extremely little help. He was fine. He stretched, making the long cuts on his chest and arm ache.

See, fine. He could deal with it. He was plenty strong. At least that's how he felt with Alex's soft dark eyes on him. He'd never been good at making friends. Perhaps now he had one.

He just knew the older boy had a good heart. He defiantly would if he was kind enough to help the pathetic shaking mess that he was. Once the dark clouds rolled over the sun, blocking out the small patch of warmth he was basking in, he decided to slowly head to his lesson.

He had English with Ms Horsefeild. Suddenly he remembered he hadn't done the homework she set him. He felt guilty. She'd been so light about it as well. He quickly pulled out his sketchbook and looked around for inspiration.

Instead his eyes found Alex. They lit up sky blue at the sight of him. Alex was with a bunch of his friends. He seemed to have a lot, some were year eleven, like Casper. But Alex was nothing like that horrible bully. He was walking his way.

Phil awkwardly fell in beside him. "Hi" he squeaked. One of Alexs friends looked at him with amusement and nudged the other. Alex dug them in the ribs and smiled warmly at Phil. "Hey mate, doing better" he asked softly. Phil beamed and nodded.

Alex grinned. "Great, ignore them two by the way" he said, gesturing to his friends. They collapsed in laughter. Phil half smiled. They seemed all right. They seemed fine. Suddenly out of the corner of his eye he noticed Sara. Sharply breathing in he walked closer to Alex.

Sara mimed slitting her throat and grinned evilly before strutting off. They were almost at the entrance of the building when a taller year eleven came and put his hand on Phils shoulder. He went stiff in fright, he wasn't used to the touch.

He glued himself to Alex's side worriedly. The boy was tall, lean and dark, with coal black hair similar to phil's except he had no fringe. His eyes were narrowed and he didn't release his grip. "Hey I know you" he rasped, smiling. It was the kind of smile a cat gave to its prey before it pounced.

Alex's two friends had run to their lessons by now. Alex himself looked a little shaken and stood protectively in front of Phil. "What do you want Koby" asked Alex. Koby hissed. "Chill out mate" he said, turning on the sass. "Your Caspers little friend aren't you"

Phil froze in fear, griping at Alex. Alex bit his lip and narrowed his eyes at Koby as Phil shivered. "I swear Koby" began Alex. "If you- look he's just a kid!" he protested. Phil felt paralysed by fear. Caspers gang, they were planning something.

And the year eleven just made him feel terrified, petrified. Koby's dark eyes burnt into his. Phil looked up at him, still desperately clutching Alex. Alex glared at Koby, then knelt down next to Phil. "I won't let him lay a finger on you" he promised determinedly. Phil nodded, still stiff.

Alex nudged him pointly. "Go to your next lesson or you'll be late".

"Ok!" Phil agreed quickly, and ran up the humanities steps to his history. Everyone stared at him when he entered shakily. Miss simply nodded at him. "Please take a seat" she invited curtly. Phil dipped his head at her and sat at his usual place at the back.

The girl sitting closest to him leaned over. "What were you doing?" she frowned. Phil glared at her and didn't speak. The girl tipped her head sideways. "Why don't you ever talk?" she asked smugly. Phil bit his lip. "I can't hear you" she went on.

Phil narrowed his eyes. "That's because I never say anything worth listening to" he mumbled, suddenly remembering his homework. She ignored him and he quickly got out his notebook and after neatly as he could tearing out a page and sketching a dog.

He wasn't exactly sure of the breed, but it looked like a dog at least. He was just in time as well as Miss came over to his desk. "Ahh" she said, as if clearing her head. "So what did you draw for me Philip?" she asked with clear fake enthusiasm.

Phil flicked the paper to her disdainfully. She gave it a look and nodded slowly. "So the Victorians had a pet dog you think?" she asked him. Phil wasn't sure if he was being serious or not, "Yeehhh" he replied uncertainly. She just sighed and brought it to her desk.

"Ok everybody, today I'm very busy marking my year eleven students essays so you can revise" she invited them. Phil half smiled to himself. At least he didn't have to work with someone. The lesson went quite slowly but he enjoyed it.

It calmed him and pushed away the gnawing feeling of dread. His last lesson was science and it went very slowly and painfully. Sir had asked him to come to the front of the class to answer a question he had no idea how to answer.

And when he tried to speak some of the real bullies across from him yelled every time he spoke, "We can't hear you speak louder!" he had just blushed and mumbled away. Prick. He was happy to leave the classroom.

He went across the bridge and down the stairs to the bottom of the humanities building where his locker was. He needed to get some stuff out of his bag, it was already far to heavy. He couldn't help it, he loved stationery and his bag ended up getting a little cluttered.

When he finished not many people were around. It was pretty deserted apart from a small group of year seven girls behind him. He guessed he was walking home again and cursed himself for missing Alex. He heaved his slightly lighter bag on his back and slowly walked to the back entrance.

He heard footsteps behind him. He just ignored it, thinking it must be the little year seven girls walking. He just didn't think anything of it, until he was slammed down onto the ground. An eerily dark shadow fell ominously across his chest.


	16. Chapter 16- Swear on his life

His scream was cut off as he was gagged. His eyes were wide open with fear. What was happening? What was going on?!

He felt pain stab through his side like lightning. He squirmed on the ground, trying to break free of whoever was holding him still. His wailing was muffled but still surprisingly loud. He was getting nowhere but even so clawed at the air and scratched at the arms that held him down.

Another shot of pain in his arm where his long cut was. It was like being repeatedly stabbed, it was unbearable. He felt it tearing at his skin and scorching his flesh, boiling his blood and burning his head. He screamed again, uselessly batting at the arms.

His eyes went dark round the edges in pain and fear and he couldn't see clearly. Who was holding him down? What was hurting him so savagely? Another unbearable shoot of pain. He didn't make an effort to stop the tears that splashed on the ground in front of him.

He sobbed in agony. Why won't they just let him go?! He was blinded by fear. They, whoever they were left him for a moment and a soft voice came beside him. Phil flinched and tried to wriggle away. But he was so badly hurt and couldn't shift the gentle but firm hand on his spine.

"Awwhh" the voice belonged to a girls. It was soft and gentle but had an edge of aggression. "I wouldn't try and escape" she said in a low voice. She began to wrap a spiky green rope like thing around his hands. It was sharp and prickly. She removed his gag and let him gasp for air.

He wailed in protest. "Listen kid!" she hissed, her head next to his. Phil blinked at her with round ice blue eyes. He was breathing heavily. "See these" she guestered bluntly to the vine that bound his hands together. Her eyes glittered with soft malice.

"You try to move, they'll cut into your blood stream" her tone lowered. "And you wouldn't want that, would you" she said in a slightly patronizing voice. "Please let me go, please please let me go" Phil begged patheticly in desperation.

The girl smirked and held him firmly down. There was no arguing with her it seemed. Phil started crying quietly. Maybe he expected pity for it. No pity was given. Finally the others came back. "Allright get them away and hurry up" Phil recognised that voice.

His whole body was tensed and cold. All instinct told him to run, run far away. But he couldn't. He was stuck and petrified. Casper was there. Rough hands lifted him into the air. Phil cried out and tried to get away. There was no escape.

Even with the beatings he could always run or hide afterwards. This was terrifying. He could hear the echoing sound of footsteps. After a little while his body met the hard ground again. "You deal with him" he heard a voice say.

Filled with terror all he could do was remain still and play dead. Koby. He recognised the dark teen. Koby looked him up and down and released his hands and helped him up. Phil stood shaking. He was free. If he ran, they'd catch him, but if he didn't...

Koby glanced around. "Follow me" he ordered and swiftly ran off. Phil obeyed and followed him into an alley. "Run, run far away and don't look back" he said feircly. What? Why had he done with. Phil felt weak. "Why? What are they going to do?" he asked shakily. Koby fixed him such a cold look he felt it in his heart.

How could any person give a stare that dark and full of cold hatred that it seeped into your soul and filled you heart with sadness and sin. "He was going to kill you...now run I will myself" he chocked out. Phil felt filled with sorrowful pain.

How many times had they killed before. Koby, his saviour. They had been prepared to kill him. Murdered him in cold blood. And...and get away with it. "Come with me" he suggested to the dark teen, his courage showing. Koby hesitated.

"Please" he begged. Koby looked back over his shoulder to make sure nobody was following. Then softened. "Just run away kid, oh and-" he gave Phil the dark stare again. "If you tell the police, tell anyone..your a dead kid walking" Phil's jaw dropped open a little.

"It's a secret, ok, do you promise" he said it so aggressively that Phil nodded quickly. "Good you've made that promise, swear on Alex's life, right you sweared, you can't tell anyone now, you sweared on his life" and with that he vanished.

Phil was left in the aftermath. "What just happened"


End file.
